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Boundaries are agreements we make with ourselves regarding what is acceptable and correct.
They set the bar for how we treat ourselves and, in turn, let others know the bare minimum expectation for our relationships, the type of treatment we still stay for, and the kind that we will willingly walk away from when it doesn’t meet our standards for self-love and respect.
They begin and are solidified within and then ripple out to the world, creating the attraction field for the types of people, interactions, and experiences we are available for.
Their presence, or lack thereof, significantly contributes to the amount of harmony we feel as we move through our lives.
How do we know which agreements to make and how to make them? I’ve put together a list of 12. Let’s explore, shall we?
I respond correctly to others. When I respond correctly to others, I have no reason to spend time and energy worrying about how they will respond to me or trying to anticipate what they will say or do. If I am coming correctly, it means I am doing what I perceive as best and I am not responding from a place of fear regarding what others will say or do.
I allow others to have their experience. I know that I am not responsible for the experiences of others and that I do not have the power to force them into a new experience or change how they are choosing to show up in their lives. I can be a role model and offer advice and wisdom when asked for, but I cannot stop anyone from having an unpleasant experience of their own creation.
I accept what I cannot change. I will place my time and energy towards productive endeavors and places where I can have a positive impact. I will not waste time and energy fighting against what is, wishing things were other than they are, or holding expectations for an outcome that will never likely be. This is radical acceptance.
I listen to the feedback from my body and I follow my intuition. My body is my spaceship or control center for this Earthly experience and it is always giving me cues and guidance for enjoying my life, knowing when to act, and what to do. While listening to my body and following my intuition will not guarantee me the experience I want, it will never lead me astray, and is always moving me forward. When I listen to myself, there is no space for others to talk me out of how I feel or decide for me how I feel. My feelings and intuitions are the guideposts by which I live my life.
I act in accordance with my own authority. I make the best decisions I can, based on what my body and my intuition tell me. This means I am not available to be manipulated, controlled, or rushed into making decisions that I am not ready to make. When I stand fully in my power, no one can disempower or take advantage of me. I am honest with myself and I attract honest people.
My home and personal spaces are only available to those that honor and respect me and are correct for me. If they are not correct, there is no need for me to offer an explanation or open myself to be questioned. I do not have to be vulnerable with anyone that doesn’t value my vulnerability. When I do that, I invite chaos and open myself to negativity, and that is not aligned with the life I am actively creating.
I move in accordance with my internal flow. I am not here to make life easier for others at the expense of myself. I say yes to others when it is a win-win and is correct for me to do so. I say no when my resources are limited or the experience is out of alignment. When my body moves me into action, I go. When it is best to wait, I wait. I do not expend energy that I do not have to prove myself or to keep up with others.
I ask for what I want and need without expecting others to psychically anticipate my wants and needs and with no expectation that they will give me what I’ve asked. As I do what is correct for me, I create that same space for others, and I choose not to take it personally when others choose what is correct for them.
I am free to be me. When this is true, I transcend my thoughts and claim freedom from the mental madness they create. I am free from thinking I’m supposed to conform to the expectations of others, to living up to someone else’s version of who I should or am supposed to be, or holding myself bound to a version of myself that no longer exists. I am free.
I recognize what is me and what is not me, even if I have to be alone for a moment to remember. I recognize when I am amplifying the emotions of others and when to disengage. I recognize which needs are yours and which are mine. Because I know what is me, I spare myself any impulse to compare myself to others.
I speak lovingly to and of myself. I know that my inner dialogue contributes to my biochemical environment and that environment has a direct impact on the health and wellbeing of my body. When I speak lovingly to and of myself, it uproots any negative self-image or thought that I should be other than I am. I allow others to treat me in accordance with how I speak to myself and I recognize when they don’t rise to the occasion of my worth.
I respect my body. All that I consume I do so to fuel the life I want to create. I nourish and move my body in ways that feel good. I am very aware of how my cultural diet (TV, news, movies, social media, etc) affect and influence my wellbeing and I only consume what is aligned with the life I want.
Know of something I’ve missed? Please share!
Are lapses in any of these hindering your forward process? Which? What changes in your life if you put these boundaries in place?
To honor a boundary requires implementation and the willingness to implement requires that you value yourself above all else, in a healthy and authentic way.
The ins and outs of creating relevant boundaries are up to you and limited only by your creativity. Energy follows intention and awareness, so every time you choose a boundary as a primary place to focus and invest, progress will be made.
If you need a place to begin, try converting the first sentence of the boundary you are considering into a mantra. Then couple that mantra with physical movement, sound, art, or a visualization.
In what way could I move my body to form this boundary? What sound could I make or song could I sing, play or listen to? Is there an art piece I could create to embody this boundary? Is there a visualization I could focus on regarding how my life looks and changes with this boundary in place?
Invest a few moments each day to the implementation of this boundary until it feels solid. It’s interwoven into the fabric of your life, you are aligned with it, and others respond accordingly without you having to say anything.
There are a few reasons we find it challenging to let others know when they’ve crossed a boundary and make changes in how we interact with them.
On some level, we know that we have ignored this agreement within ourselves and that’s created opportunity for others to capitalize on the lapse. I remember reading in Don Miguel Ruiz’s, The 4 Agreements, that we are never angry for the reasons we think we are angry. We can so often trace the roots of anger within—somewhere where we acted in opposition to what was true and authentic for ourselves and that ended up being to our detriment in relationships with others.
Our conditioning plays a role as well. We are often taught to be fair, to share, to be nice, to think of others before ourselves, and to keep the peace at all costs. Great concepts in theory. However, when it opens us to control and manipulation by others at the expense of what is true and authentic for ourselves, they become problematic.
If we don’t have baseline levels of self-love and self-worth, it will be super hard to get others to treat us better than we are treating ourselves.
The birthplace of resentment can be found at the intersection of not honoring the inner agreement and blaming others for their perceived misdeeds. Ask me how I know. 🙄
So, how do you make corrections? Through reclaiming the power being held captive by your false self—that part of you that’s holding onto and fueling the stories associated with your mistreatment. You can use movement, art, sound, or imagination for this too. You can also meditate on this image or do this technique. All while simultaneously aligning with the inner agreement aspect of the boundary.
First, solidify these boundaries within you and reclaim your power from past experiences. The next step is to, in a loving way, let others know that what they did wasn’t ok and how you expect to be treated in the future. If that isn’t ok with them or they are incapable of honoring your boundaries then you wish them well, but will not be able to be in a relationship with them anymore.
How you do this matters. Learning to communicate your needs without blame or accusation regarding another’s behavior isn’t something I feel like most of us were taught. Take responsibility for creating the opening, speak to the facts of how what they did hurt you, and move forward from there.
Speak up immediately when someone crosses a boundary or interacts with you in inappropriate ways. Consider talking with them about what happened if some time has passed. They may have a completely different perspective on the matter that would shed helpful light on the situation. You will not know this if you don’t communicate. Don’t let things fester, they’ll only lead to more resentment and open the door for dis-ease to take root.
This is where I find the cliched advice we’re often given to “let it go” or “get over it” less than helpful. If we don’t make corrections, we're more than likely only pretending that we’ve let it go or gotten over it anyway.
I wish I had responded to the writing of this blog weeks ago. Revisiting these concepts would have saved me some recent challenges. I ignored my intuition regarding a particular relationship and just like that, poof, a resentment was born. And that resentment stopped me from seeing things clearly and had me taking everything personally. I’ve been beating myself for this, but in reality, I’m still learning. #threefivelife
So, I will reinforce the inner agreement to trust my intuition, reclaim my power from the false self experience, and refocus my energy on more valuable things—like enjoying my life and proactively creating a life I love in this magical place in which I get to live.
I extend an invitation for you to do the same. Would you like to accept it?
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