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On Being Human

I distinctly remember being in the anatomy lab when my friend, KT, shared the observation that the female spirit of the cadaver of one of our classmates would stand over him, shaking her finger at him, and giving him a stern talking too. About what? That was never made clear. She even followed him to his car and went home with him after school.

I was in awe of what KT could see. I’d always been so curious as to what was happening beyond what my senses could perceive and I shared that with her. She asked me why. Any profound reason eluded me. The best I could come up with was that it would be so cool. She was not impressed.

As a child I remember looking up at the night sky filled with awe and wonder. What was out there? And what was after that? Where did it end? I still enjoy stargazing, always hoping to catch a glimpse of a shooting star or a spaceship from my home planet, finally remembering to swing by and pick me up after all of these years.

Maybe you have felt the same? I know I’m not the only one. Others have shared similar stories, but those aren’t mine to tell.

I think I was in high school the first time I went to see a psychic. The only thing I remember about that experience was that she had a lot of cats and dogs. Years later I had my tarot cards read on Bourbon Street in New Orleans while on a cruise with my boyfriend at the time. The relationship was going down in flames, but we had already bought the tickets. I didn’t invite him to listen in.

The card reader told me that if I got married before I turned 30, it would end in divorce. My aura screamed “hot mess.” I’m not sure any extrasensory perception was needed to draw that conclusion. I knew in every fiber of my being that she was right. The relationship ended after the cruise.

Shortly before I graduated chiropractic school in Chicago, I returned to Columbus for a visit. I met up with my friend, Tyrone, and he proudly announced that he had found the real psychic deal. His name was Bill and we scheduled our readings.

Bill told me that I would meet someone, fall in love, and be married within a very short amount of time after graduation.

I read Echart Tolle’s, A New Earth, and thought to myself, OK God. When I’m ready and I won’t screw it up, send me a good man that works with his hands.

In any case, I moved to Tennessee and within a very short amount of time I did indeed meet, fall in love with, and marry my husband. Bill was the real deal.

Once I started into practice, I prayed on repeat, “Dear God, make me a channel of your healing works in this world. Guide my thoughts, my words, and my actions. Tell me what to say and what to do.”

The veil began to thin. I started exploring all kinds of alternative arts I had never before even heard of. Whatever dam had been blocking my intuition and leaving me spellbound, broke. I could see, hear, and feel so much.

At one point I was encouraged to keep a record of all the details of all of the visions I experienced, but I did not. I would love to share with you in living color the details of the beauty I witnessed and the messages I received, but they’ve faded into the background.

There were anointings from Jesus, instructions given, gifts granted, appearances in front of the Galactic Council, and trips to far and away places and dimensions.

I remember going to a prophetic church in Knoxville and the female priest following the call placed upon her to impart all 9 gifts of the spirit to me: the word of knowledge, increased faith, the gifts of healing, the gift of miracles, prophecy, the discernment of spirits, kinds of tongues, and interpretation of tongues. Her face was covered with surprise and confusion and I could tell she was a bit reluctant, but she proceeded anyway.

There was a period of time where I was helping souls that were stuck in this realm to crossover to their next experience. It was both beautiful and overwhelming. I helped to create grids and clear lands in Tennessee, made connections between there and far away places, and activated frequency filled time capsules held within the Earth to usher in new waves of consciousness.

Fast forward and I was left feeling a bit like a pawn. I did all of the things. I channeled the systems, the cards, the meditations, and still—my life did not work. And I felt like the spirit world did not care. They have things they want done and as long as any of us are showing up and saying, “I’ll do it,” they will heap it onto our plates. It is up to us to say no.

Enter Human Design.

It took hearing about it three times before my husband finally looked at me and said, “maybe we should look into this.”


I mean. Sure. OK. Why not?

Whatever I’m doing clearly isn’t working, so maybe there is something I’m missing.

I know I’ve shared about our experiment with you in the past, but I don’t know that I’ve ever actually said what it is.

Human design is a road map that we are imprinted with when we are born. It is the science of individuation. It’s about becoming so “you” that the false self walls away and you return to love. It’s about leaning into being human and enjoying the process.

What a concept. That being human is something one could actually enjoy? That that was even a possibility had been completely lost on me. In my version of the world, being human was more like something to be endured. Something to survive until you die and return to spirit, the finite reuniting with the infinite.

In Human Design the body is called the vehicle and consciousness the passenger. In essence we are simply along for the ride. But between the mental interference and the dogmatic beliefs we buy into, the ride quickly becomes a rollercoaster.

So, we thought, why not? And decided to begin our experiments in earnest. We had our initial consultations in March of 2021 and by May we had sold everything and moved to Ecuador to figure out who we are, outside of everything we were taught to be or thought we should be, and live in accordance with our strategy and authority.

I know, it sounds like a cult, right? And, maybe it is. A cult made up of millions of individuals living as their truest and most authentic selves. That’s a cult I can get behind. Clearly. 🤣

A funny side story. Matt had his astrological chart read before we found Human Design. The astrologer told him that with so many placements in Pisces he could start a cult and millions of people would follow him. It’s been a bit of a running joke since then and I keep waiting on him to accept the invitation to make it happen, as I do not have those same placements and would love to start a cult.

We even bought Then, in small print, you’ll find that it is indeed a cult. Who knows? There’s still time. Maybe he’ll accept the invitation one day. Then, we’ll invite you all to move down to Ecuador and join our commune as we each deep dive into deconditioning of the false self and complete our individuation.

Back to the story at hand. We moved down here and I completely walked away from all I had created. I was committed to the experiment, but I was spiraling. Everything I had been suppressing now had a lot of space to rise to the surface.

I was questioning everything, including my will to live. My intrusive thoughts were...intrusive.

Was this building high enough that I wouldn’t survive the fall?

What if I just stepped in front of that bus?

How could I make it look like an accident?

And then, my dad died. In a mad rush we cleared out our appointment and returned to the states, unsure of how the future would unfold. We ended up being there for almost 3 months.

While I don’t remember the details, I remember being in my Mom’s house in Ohio and making an energetic agreement. If there was a time and space where my work was complete and my mission accomplished, I would do whatever it took to get there.

I committed and then forgot about it.

We left for Tennessee.

A few days passed and then it became clear. Whatever agreement I had entered into, was coming due. I knew something was off and I was trying to figure it out, but I was already too far gone. I was going to try one more time to live outside of my body.

The last thing I remember before letting out an otherworldly scream and collapsing into fetal position on the floor before hurtling through the time space continuum to the brink of complete detachment from reality, is looking at Matt and telling him, you’re gonna need help.

It was late, after 10:00. It took 3 tries but he was able to get a friend that could help on the phone and they brought me back. The process was long and painful and it took more than I would like to admit to find the will to return. We all probably still have a little PTSD from the experience.

Matt thought for sure one of the neighbors had heard the scream and that the police were going to show up at any moment, cart me off to the psych ward, and pump me so full of meds that I would never make it back. Thankfully, we were in the country and no one heard, or if they did, didn’t care.

I see how this could happen. I’m sure I’m not the only one that’s had the experience of walking between worlds and almost getting trapped. I image those that get stuck are labeled as crazy, hidden from sight, and medicated to keep them quiet as the hope of making them normal fades.

The road to recovering from that experience was not quick or easy. It’s not like I woke up the next morning, thought that was crazy, and went back to living my life.

But we survived. I tell Matt frequently how grateful I am for getting to walk through life with him and for him not having me committed. I’m only half joking.

Fast forward, we returned to Ecuador, had our experience in isolation, and I made it through what I consider to be a very long, dark night of the soul.

Over the last year I feel like I’ve been coming back to life. I’m finally starting to have some fun and lean into all that comes with being human.

I find it interesting to reflect upon our conditioning—that which leads to sacrificing what is true and pure to fall into line with what is expected.

When we’re born, we’re fully present in our bodies. We know exactly what we want to do and how and when we want to do it. But then we’re told that’s not how it works. That’s not how we do it in this family. We do it like this.

The rational or logical mind starts to develop around age 6 and doesn’t mature until the mid to late 20’s. We become very moldable. We forget that all we seek lies within and that the key is to stay present in the body. We learn that the mind is good and being logical is valued. Some of us even learn that the body is bad as we are inundated with religious dogma that we accept as true, even when it defies all logic.

Oh the irony. I find it quite funny. This polarization between being taught to use logic and live mentally while also buying into an all powerful God above that’s watching and judging everything we do.

As long as you’re focused on living in a different dimension or searching for answers outside of yourself, I feel like the point is being missed.

Life is happening here. In this dimension. Now. In the physical world. I wonder if those that preach hellfire and damnation know exactly what they are doing when they condemn practices like yoga and deem the body to be full of sin. As long as people buy into that, they won’t be present in their body, and they won’t be available for the truth that doing so would reveal.

In any case, I will be doing my best to live at the intersection of my humanity and my divinity in whatever way allows me the most space to thrive while here.

While Human Design calls it the vehicle, I call the body the spacesuit we are each given for this Earthly experience. It’s always giving us feedback and guidance, telling us exactly what to do. Which, more often than we would like, is to wait. Once I learned to stop pushing and forcing and just wait, the ride has become much more enjoyable.

When we live from the false self and in accordance with our conditioning, it creates a deficiency of life force energy within the body. So much of what could be used to fuel our hopes and dreams is instead being siphoned away, making sure we don’t forget all of the things we’ve been through so that we continue to live in the mental madness of our thinking thoughts.

This deficiency of life force energy manifests as dis-ease or discomfort within the body. Who wants to live inside a pain-filled body? So, we further dissociate rather than look for the leaks that are allowing so much energy to escape. One thing is for sure, the body tells the story of how well you are navigating everything you’ve been through.

Reclaim the power from the false self, stand in the beauty of your authentic self, and you will actually start to heal.

And so I ask, how do you feel about being human?

Are you leaning into the experience and allowing yourself to enjoy it?

Or, are you trying to live in another realm?

How is that working for you?

If you are not in the midst of war or famine or dire economic insecurity and you are choosing not to enjoy your life, it begs the question: Why?

Maybe you could open to the possibility that life, for the brief and transitory time that is ours to have, could be joyous.

I’m learning how to embrace this on a daily basis. To take in the natural beauty that surrounds me and bask in the goodness I feel when the sun shines down upon my face. I’m having fun. I’m engaging in conversations with strangers, something I’ve been doing my best to avoid for, I don’t know, forever.

All of this said, given the opportunity, I’d still rather be a magical bird. But if I can’t be that, I’ll lean into being human and living as fully and joyfully as I can—choosing to look at it less as something to be endured and more as something to be celebrated.

Sometimes I question whether or not it’s wise to share this stuff with you. It’s pretty risky and I’m sure there are some of you that think I’m over-sharing. And that’s OK. I do it because I respond to it. And if I’m responding, then it’s correct, and that can’t not be wise.

I share for those of you that struggle to let you know it can be different. For those that push all of the boundaries, get knocked down, and are scared to re-engage, so that you know, while it may be scary, it’s also worth it. For those that question their worth and their reason for being, to show you how beautiful life can be when you stand in the full strength and beauty of your power.

If this resonates with you, maybe you would like to work together? I would love the opportunity to be your guide.

And, remember, the School for Active Deconditioning is up and running on YouTube, free to all.

If you enjoyed this post, please give it a heart and share it with your friends. Have something you’d like to add to the conversation? I’d love to hear all about it in the comments.

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I enjoyed reading your latest entry Kate. I can very much relate and appreciate your transparency. I love hearing that you have reached your decision to celebrate rather than endure. When I encountered this decision point, I saw it so clearly. I had been living life the way I rode roller coasters or zip lines .... closing my eyes, bearing my teeth, just wanting to survive the experience .... which resulted in zero pleasure or insights or awe along the way. I don't do that anymore, but there are still many stalls. Two steps forward, one step back. All part of the journey I suppose. I'm glad to be a part of your soul's design, unfolding.

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Anya. ♥️ We are looking forward to seeing you very soon!

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